Loving James was like breathing, just natural for me

amwf loveThe story of Choi Adventures (James and Jessie Choi)

James and Jessie met at a Korean church called Evergreen Church, Alabama where James was a worship leader (youth lay leader). Jessie decided to commit to the girls in the youth group and do international missions at the Korean church where she was the only non-Korean person for the Sunday services. After doing ministry together for months and having several conversations about students, the partnership evolved into a deeper friendship that became romantic.

Three years of dating and four years of marriage later, they now live in Dalton, GA where James is an associate youth pastor and Jessie is an Ob-gyn nurse. They live with their one and only fur child, Bella, a beautiful golden retriever and they are actively singing together for church and doing ministry wherever they go to talk about hope in Christ and loving on people of all different backgrounds and races.

cool american girlQuestions to Her

On Our first date…

Our relationship at first was made up of lots of small moments. Just moments together, in the midst of the craziness of college, church ministry, and life. He knew I was in a relationship with someone else when we first met and waited until that person and I had broken it off to tell me his feelings…this was after a year of us knowing each other. He held it in that long! We were friends before we were boyfriend/girlfriend, so every time we DID spend time together after being official felt like a first date to me!

At the beginning of our relationship, we went on so many walks all over our city. We talked for hours about everything and it felt like only minutes. James would come to my college campus and we would sit on a swing near my dorm. It felt kind of magical in the late evening when the fireflies were out around us. He asked me deep questions about my future and where I wanted to go with life. From the start and I knew I could trust him with all the good and bad parts inside my head. Our relationship was unexpected to begin with – meeting him for the first time, then that same night being locked out of my car for hours (oops) by accident – he stayed the utmost gentleman and helped me until I got everything solved. So to say it simply, from friendship to relationship, the days rolled into each other and it was a sweet time.

During the first months of dating my deal-breaker would be…

People that are unkind and self-serving really grieve me as a human being. Also, if he was someone to say disgusting things about women or make sexually harassing comments about my physical appearance. We are made to care for one another, respect one another, and leave the world a little better than what it was before. If James had turned out to be a mean guy who stepped on others to get what he wanted out of life, then I would have been gone so quickly! Haha! There is nothing more unattractive to me than someone who hurts (emotionally, physically, spiritually) others to make themselves look or feel better. Thankfully, he was not like that at all and when there WERE bumps, frustrations, and miscommunication in our relationship, we talked about them and through them. No relationship is perfect, multi-cultural or not.

amwf marriageI learned He is right for me when…

There was never a specific time that I said: “this is it, he’s the one”. I just knew that we fit together. Loving James was like breathing, just natural for me. He made me laugh more than anyone, got to the bottom of problems with me, and made me feel like the most special person. I really don’t believe in “the One”. I DO believe that when two people love each other, are honest, work hard to make it work, and put the other first, then anything is possible. James is my “One” because I chose him to be, and he chose me. We chose each other despite the obstacles and it was the best decision of my life!

I had a cultural shock when He…

Honestly, I had the culture shock of my life the first time a met him. I had been invited to a bible study at his church and didn’t know it was completely Korean! Growing up on a farm in a small town, I rarely had interactions with Asian people of any nation. However, I wanted to be a part of a bigger world and help to break barriers between races, nations, and religions.

I was horrible at eating food with chopsticks. I got more food on me than in my mouth during those first few months! James was gracious and really helped me to assimilate as much as possible as a light-skinned, country American female. Also, I had no idea the respect and honor that Koreans showed their career seniors, elders, and anyone older than them. There are honorifics that need to be used in Korean and I messed up many times when I spoke to elders in informal speech (sometimes still do!). Thankfully, they are completely kind and understanding, just encouraging me to learn more. Also, James didn’t wear deodorant (don’t freak out-most men of Korean decent lack the gene that produces icky body odor). I was jealous too! The culture shock was mostly things I loved about Him and who he was as a Korean American.

korean husband 3 things I love about Him are…

#1

James is truly a person who wants the best for others and will go completely out of his way to make anyone, not just me, feel heard and loved.

#2

He tries to do everything with excellence – as a youth pastor, he pours his job hours (and many, many free hours) into making each of those kids feel challenged and encouraged. He is a musician also and works tirelessly to perfect his craft (electric, bass, drums, and acoustic guitar). He pays attention to detail much more than I do and I need that drive to make the most out of my day like he does.

#3

He is a jokester and an extrovert. Being a little brother he has learned to push my buttons, but life wouldn’t be near as fun or ridiculous. He makes me laugh even when I want to be mad and gets me out of my shell when I want to hide from the world. I am so thankful for that and him.

 The biggest misconception about His country and culture was…

I wanted to please his family so badly when I met them. The thing was, I didn’t please them. They wanted a girl from their culture and speaking their language, their ideals. It was difficult for me to figure out what I could do to make them say “Yes, this is the girl we want our son with”. I didn’t know much about Korean culture or the language, I felt like I was so behind in making them proud. But, the person who was already pleased and proud of me was James. Over time, I studied Korean (still do), and tried my best to make his culture my own. His parents warmed up to me and now we have a good relationship. The only other thing I can think of is when we went to Korea back in 2016 I realized how hospitable they are. They will give you the shirt off their back if you need something.

romantic engagementThe most beautiful thing He ever did for me was…

James has always tried to make moments special for me. When we got engaged in April 2014, he completely blew me away. The boy had to get an event calendar approved at my college because he used the whole stretch of grass and gazebo right in the center of the school to propose to me. He used hundreds of tea lights (even a chandelier made out of tea lights) all over the gazebo and walk-way. He played our song called “Spain” to me while our secret photographer friends hid in the bushes. It was like a Disney movie.

During this relationship the most important thing I learned about myself was…

to be myself! To know James loves me unconditionally, whether I am in pajamas or a dress, makes me not worried about who I am. I don’t want to be anyone different, just myself, and that is enough. I also realized how I can shut others out when I’m feeling less than friendly (introvert probs), but I can’t shut my husband out. He sees my terrible attitude and all the bad parts and doesn’t run away. You learn a lot more about yourself in a relationship than if you were on your own, good and bad things. They all make you who you are!


If there is a piece of advice I could give to my fellow Western girlfriends who are into the AMWF relationships that would be…

If I can talk to younger me, or other girls that are in any inter-racial, multi-ethnic relationship is this: to know that the fact you are with someone different than you is proof of the bigness of your heart. People will always have opinions – of you, of them, of you together or not. The most important thing is doing it all together. Learn from one another and don’t get discouraged. I’m always learning more about Korean culture, and James vise versa. Respect one another and do everything you can to make their culture your own. Now that James and I have become one in marriage, it’s a gift to love someone different from me. Don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy learning and making your world and heart a much bigger place.

 

romantic korean relationshipQuestions to Him

Asking Her out for the first time was…

Nerve-wrecking. I had never been in any real relationship because it wasn’t worth my time until I got to college. Being in a relationship meant marriage for me so I was serious. I went to her college one day and showed up with a rose and a paper that said will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no. It was childish sure but effective! I figured it would work because we had kind of talked about it prior to that day. It was full of excitement and joy to enter into a journey with a girl I had been fawning over for years but waiting for the right time!

I learned She is right for me when…

I learned she is right for me when she dared to go to an all-Korean church to do what God called her to do! I like a woman with drive especially for the things that are important to me. I did not want to waver in my conviction to invest in those students’ lives by being available to them so I told myself that it had to be a girl who would partner along with me to be worth my time. I also wanted to be a pastor in the future so I knew I needed someone who could be a rock in my life when things got crazy. She was definitely that person for me and she shared my passion for students and leading worship for the youth group so it drew me even more to her!

 I had a cultural shock when She…

invited me over to her parents’ house. Over time when the parents started to become more comfortable with me, they started to enforce their rules about the tradition like no hats at the dinner table.

It was all very weird when I heard them use southern sayings that I had no idea what they meant like saying that a rabbit jumped over their grave meaning that you got a shiver running down your spine. She grew up in a very rural county and all her family lived next door and they had various house pets and farms with chickens, donkeys or goats. Growing up as a Korean-American, a general culture was no problem to me but I always lived near the suburbs or more of an urban city so the rural culture was very foreign to me. 

 i love you3 things I love about Her are…

3 things I love about her are her patience, wisdom and insight, and her capacity to love people. I drive my wife crazy a lot of the times, yet she still loves me. Early on in our relationship, there were a lot of problems and arguments we had to endure. I had never been so real with anyone in my life so she was a mirror to my soul and all my sin. I lashed out at her a lot for no reason other than because she was the nearest to me; yet, she still loved me through my crap. She still carries that patience in many situations and it helps me to look to her as my rock.

She is extremely wise as well. Whenever I face any problem, I go to her to ask for insight and wisdom and everything she says has value to me in my moving forward in that problem. I find many opportunities where she could have said, “I told you so,” but she doesn’t do that. She continues to love through it and still continues to be a listening ear despite my sometimes unfortunate, repetitive mistakes.

Lastly, she loves others well. She loves people even when it’s hard because she is more introverted. It’s easy for her to hide and not engage with people but she tries constantly to love people better. She also is often a friend that is sought out for advice. People tend to just pour out their hearts to her because they feel comfortable with her. She is amazing. 

The biggest misconception about Her country and culture was…

that they are just like the average American family of TV dinners and a little conversation with one another about life. Actually, my family was more of that than hers was. Her family was very close and they shared stories from way back in the past. My family didn’t have that kind of storytelling culture so I barely remember my childhood at all. 

The things that She likes to do for fun with me are…

those things that require going outside. She tends to be the more adventurous one in regards to outdoor activities. It comes naturally to her because she grew up spending a lot of time on a farm being outside. I step outside and I get eaten alive. She enjoys getting in the water, going out on walks anywhere, enjoying all of nature, and having picnics. Other than that, more often we spend time watching through our shows and trying new foods together on date nights. We love experiencing other cultures and broadening our world a little more every time. She enjoys spending quality time with me in general too!

She hates when I…

get critical. I am a realist so sometimes I get critical of things to a fault. When I am in a foul mood I tend to be critical on default. It ruins the fun out of things and it wears her out. Thankfully, she is an optimistic dreamer and she balances me out. 

During this relationship the most important thing I learned about myself was…

that I am not nearly as perfect as I originally thought. I thought I was a pretty good guy but she helped me realize that I am not anywhere near close. I need a lot of work. I thought I was considerate and selfless but I realized that oftentimes I am actually very inconsiderate and selfish in my motives. Many character traits that I thought were strengths I realized that they were not strengths but areas I needed to pay more attention. I also realized that this is the reason she is in my life. She is here to make me a better person and to love me through my weaknesses. 

 wedding shot amazingIf there is a piece of advice I could give to my fellow Asian friends who are into the AMWF relationships that would be…

to seek God because you need God to break through sin. Culture is more than just race. Culture can be described as upbringing that makes who you are and makes you different from everyone else. There are challenges that people in AMWF relationships will face that is similar to any interracial relationship. People will have their preconceived ideas of what love should look like regarding the same race but I believe diversity reveals a deeper truth to the world that you can love anyone regardless of their race, skin color, or upbringing. Sin divides and destroys relationships everywhere and Jesus can be the only one who allows two selfish people to look outside themselves and learn to love each other despite of sin’s destruction. This truly is the only way I’ve seen relationships and marriages work. Other than that, be open to learning the culture and as time progresses, take the good in both cultures and form a new culture that you two create together. Give, take and love selflessly. Keep a short record of wrongs. 

 

Love this interview? Check out Jessica’s Instagram for more pictures.

Get Deeply Matched with Singles Based on 29 Dimensions